I’m Losing Control

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LosingControlThese days, I don’t know which direction my life is taking. I have the impression I am losing control. I am currently reading 1 Samuel as I follow the Know the Word Bible study by Pastor Soper.  He makes the reader jump between 1 Samuel and the Psalms. I love the way he relates each part of the story of David to a Psalm he wrote at that time.

I have rediscovered David. What a person! He was the forgotten but he was the chosen one! He was a shepherd and he was a soldier! He was a fugitive and he was the king! He was the peaceful guy and he was the guy ready for a battle! He complained and he praised! He loved and he hated!

I have discovered that I am not so weird. I have wondered so much. How could my life be so difficult and complicated? How could I be sad and joyful at the same time? One day I am soooo happy; the following day I am down. One day I feel like God really cares; the following day, I have the impression He has abandoned me. I’ve experienced moments of solid confidence in the Lord immediately followed by moments of absolute fear and panic.

As a resident, a wife, a stranger in a land, a member of church, a trainer leader in a worship leader ministry, I can tell you sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I am still alive. Sometimes I can come back home and fall asleep on a chair while I am removing my shoes. Through my Bible study these days, I have felt so close to David. I even loved him more because just like him I have the impression these days that my life doesn’t belong to me anymore. Someone else has taken control of my life.

This week, I have understood what is happening. David was the man after God’s heart. David was chosen by God. David was full of energy but God taught David to use that energy according to His will and plan. And He asked David to release control, to surrender to Him. And He, the mighty God led him through the mountains, through the desert, through strange lands and countries.

This is where I am right now. God is leading me. Sometimes I want to fight, I want to shout injustice! I want to retaliate! But God is asking me to surrender. He has asked me to give him that strong energy I have, to put it under His control. I obeyed. And now He is leading me now through the desert, through the valley, through the strange land and countries. He is doing this because I am a woman after His heart. Yes, Lord, make me a woman after your heart. Delight in me Lord. Amen.